Loss

My doctor looked at the screen and said, "I hate to have to tell you this...."

There are probably still those that do not know that we were expecting again.  We had kept it secret from nearly everyone for 15 weeks.  I had told two dear friends in the beginning and we decided to wait until I was out of the first trimester to tell any more family.  We were cautious with our first pregnancy, too.  This time around it felt more personal and special for it just to be our secret for so long.

Around Thanksgiving we told our families.  So much happiness and surprise and joy.

A small part of the reason we chose to wait to tell people until later in the pregnancy came from the belief that we would not want everyone to know that we were experiencing the pain of losing a baby.  But now I know.  I know.  That it is so much easier to bear when you have such wonderful, loving family and friends there to comfort you.  I was touched and my heart was calmed by so many sweet messages of prayer and love.  Eric and I could not have gotten through that day, December 6th, alone.  We have had help each day since.

I've been a little uncertain with how to grieve the loss of this baby.  In some ways it feels so strange to grieve over someone you have not met.  Whom you will never know.  But the dreams and images that I had in my head for the past 18 weeks were very badly bruised and it does hurt to feel that loss.  There have been days when I'm not sure if I'm feeling enough sadness, possibly because I am trying to move past this.  I'm choosing to be even more thankful for our sweet boy who reminds me every day that I love being a mom.

It feels good to write this.  It's not easy, but I there is therapy here in the writing and sharing.  This is part of our family story now and it is a tough part, but it will pass.  I want to share even the hard parts of our life.  And I want to thank so many of you who have been there for us during them.